maybe, maybe not...(reality bites)

the idea of going home, of calling it quits here have been gnawing into me this past days. i figured i cant take on the world anymore, that its so cruel that the only heaven would be home. i've always thought nothing is more heavenly, nothing more utopian than our house. will...i change my mind...

i just talked with my lil bro earlier and then with my mom and my father...based on their words it seems i gotta think real careful and play my cards right. and it reminded me why im here in the first place. its because i was escaping the suffocating atmosphere at home, because my family is so dysfunctional that i thought the only way i can respect our household again is to leave and wrap it in a dreamlike picture from afar like everything else in life. so that i can hold it dear again and not be ingulfed in anger and hurt at being in a household swarmed by ironies. leaving the house was an escape...i totally forgot about it until my little brothers reminded me.

so if i'm gonna go back to mindanao i have to find a way to be a bit far so i can have the excuse of living in a separate house. its sad but its the truth- our house isnt just heaven anymore. perhaps its the reason why i didnt miss home that much when i came to cebu. because home drove to this direction and i think i should be thankful for it. the way i see it the environment in my home prepared me for the real world. it thought me that in this life nothing can be too perfect for it doesnt help you at all if it is.

actually there are also good things that will come if i go home. i'll be in a familiar sorroundings again. in the company of my adoring brothers. but the financial muscle will be gone. i'll be back to being a "palamunin" again which i cant imagine right now. but the thing is that now i'm not so sure about going back permanently. this only proves that i'm not a girl (kid) anymore. *sigh*

sometimes i wish i'm back to those times when home felt like a safe enclave against the cruel world, where, even if you get spanked at times, you still feel there's no place like it in the world and that you'll trade it for nothing. but parents age, familiarity breeds contempt and life dectates that you move away and start a web of life of your own like those before you and those after you. life's like that: a cycle. i'm still a little girl wondering in a world teeming with the unexpected but i'm determined to carve my own world. i know i can.