is it goodbye?

i may be cruel but i dont think im sticking any longer with my current bf. its just not worth anymore. i mean he is nice and all that but the psychological stress our relationship has caused isnt just worth it anymore. i dont know how i'll view this in the future but i'm regretting it now.

i cant properly express what i'm feeling right now. i need to think of something else.

now what?

everytime i wake up the first word that comes to mind is "RESIGN". its really frustrating because that means everyday i force myself to go to work. in plain words, i'm not happy with work anymore. i just dont look forward it. i dread it like i hated course back in college. probably the only thing that gets me going is the money. i don't feel like being in here is right at all. I'm giving myself three more months and i'm quiting. i need to rewrite the routine. i'm not afraid to start over i'm more afraid of wasting myself away on something that's not doing any good to me. i feel like i'm gonna explode anytime soon.

and right now i'm still freaking out at not having the monthly bleeding. the thing is its always been like this since way back but being sexually active is a different story. its freaking me out right now and makes me wish i never got fucked but its too late now. i just pray right now that my prayer will still be heard and that i'll be givin the chance to start over and learn from my mistakes without wreaking havoc to my already dysfunctional family. man... i'm just afraid right now.

i checked on articles for possible reason why i missed my period aside from possible pregnancy. there's a high reason for me to belive i'm just stressed out but then only a pregnancy test can prove that and ease this uptight feeling. i cant go to any lab right now since they are closed and a home kit wont ease me iether. the thought that it may be giving me a wrong result will still bother me until i'll bleed again.

but what if...no! but what if? truth is i dont know what i'll do...i think i'm gonna die. i'll probably kill myself... God i wish i'm a kid again then i wont have problems like this. so mundane and stupid and yet my whole life and future depends on it...

truth is i just want to scream right now. i want to tell someone what i'm feeling but i cant and i dont have anyone to tell what i'm feeling right now anyway. his of no help. i told him about my worries but somehow it doesnt give me any comfort. i'm just angry right now at myself at everything. i just wish i'm never here.

officially secretly freaking out

i missed my period.

it used to be that i didnt care much if i missed a period. i was a virgine back then. but now its a different story. i'm actively participating in what merriam defensor santiago calls as the favorite indoor sports by Filipinos. Its not really much of a problem if your married too. But then i'm not so...

right now i'm really, really hoping (praying) i'm not because it would be a tragidy for everyone.

i'm just so nervous right now that i can't even get myself to buy a homekit. it would be my first time to do. but its not my first time to freak out like this though... i want to get this over with.

i told my bf i'd commit suicide if bad comes to worst. which i think is the only choice anyway...

Nightmare on Christmas

Location: Ratsky Cebu
Date: 12/25/2007 (2:30 pm)

I and a couple of barkadas went to Ratsky Cebu after our shifts to unwind and to "celebrate" our first Christmas away from our families. We ordered bottomless pizza and paired it with iced tea. It started okay we were laughing and talking while hailing for the waiters to serve us pizza right after we've ate our share. Which sometimes go unnoticed but we understood since we were not in a hurry anyway. But then we noticed that our calls for more pizza went unanswered longer than usual so my friend asked one waiter why it is so. We were told its still being baked so we decided to sip our iced tea and talk some more. Then surprise, surprise the cook came out to serve the it herself. Should we be flattered by the attention? Will if she hadnt lectured us about the promo mechanics (the promo is from 2pm to 6pm only)-which we already knew since it wasnt our first time there and their tarp clearly declared it-and that we wait for the pizza because it takes sometime to get done spoken with a clun bouncers expression on her face as if she wanted to slap the pizza on our faces but then she had the sanity to slap it unto our plates instead. Nakakawalang gana! We wanted to let her know she seriously needed some lesson on customer service but then its Christmas and we want to have fun so we let her go and eat our pizza anyway. Maybe she might have spat on it or cursed us under her breath while making it. Probably explains why we didnt feel good in the stomach afterwards.

I dont see any reason why she should act that way. I mean we werent being mean or acted like some bitchy bunch. Was it wrong to ask for more pizza? Wasn't it supposed to be bottomless? Heck we egnored the fact that the establishment needed major revamp on their decorations, that they need to dust it up and remove the cobwebs from the decoration hanging from the ceilling, or that one of the knives on our table had some traces of rusts on it but we cant egnore the bad customer service. We didnt asked to speak with the manager about it instead we promised never to eat at Ratsky again and informed our friends what happened so that they won't make the mistake of going there too.

maybe, maybe not...(reality bites)

the idea of going home, of calling it quits here have been gnawing into me this past days. i figured i cant take on the world anymore, that its so cruel that the only heaven would be home. i've always thought nothing is more heavenly, nothing more utopian than our house. will...i change my mind...

i just talked with my lil bro earlier and then with my mom and my father...based on their words it seems i gotta think real careful and play my cards right. and it reminded me why im here in the first place. its because i was escaping the suffocating atmosphere at home, because my family is so dysfunctional that i thought the only way i can respect our household again is to leave and wrap it in a dreamlike picture from afar like everything else in life. so that i can hold it dear again and not be ingulfed in anger and hurt at being in a household swarmed by ironies. leaving the house was an escape...i totally forgot about it until my little brothers reminded me.

so if i'm gonna go back to mindanao i have to find a way to be a bit far so i can have the excuse of living in a separate house. its sad but its the truth- our house isnt just heaven anymore. perhaps its the reason why i didnt miss home that much when i came to cebu. because home drove to this direction and i think i should be thankful for it. the way i see it the environment in my home prepared me for the real world. it thought me that in this life nothing can be too perfect for it doesnt help you at all if it is.

actually there are also good things that will come if i go home. i'll be in a familiar sorroundings again. in the company of my adoring brothers. but the financial muscle will be gone. i'll be back to being a "palamunin" again which i cant imagine right now. but the thing is that now i'm not so sure about going back permanently. this only proves that i'm not a girl (kid) anymore. *sigh*

sometimes i wish i'm back to those times when home felt like a safe enclave against the cruel world, where, even if you get spanked at times, you still feel there's no place like it in the world and that you'll trade it for nothing. but parents age, familiarity breeds contempt and life dectates that you move away and start a web of life of your own like those before you and those after you. life's like that: a cycle. i'm still a little girl wondering in a world teeming with the unexpected but i'm determined to carve my own world. i know i can.

virtual sexual harassment

one time while i was web surfing i noticed that the guy next to me aimed his webcam at me...i egnored it thinking it must be of. but then i got this uncomfortable feeling, it just doesnt feel right. when i glanced at his screen thats when i realize it. the fucking pervert is adjusting his camera to focus on my chest. and the worst part is that he is chatting with someone, cybersexing it think...i banged the keyboard and told him to watch what his doing or im gonna bust his face. i was shaking all over. i was cracking my knuckles, i just want to bust his face but i was restraining myself, i told myself i cant just blow up. i cant afford to be scandalous in there. I called my boyfriend and told him to get me when he gets home from work. i was very angry. i was just about to blow up.

but the guy left soon after. i'm just sorry i didnt get to remember his face. i should've punched him in the face right then and there but its only now that i realize the missed opportunity. i should've taught him a lesson he wouldnt forget. too bad though i restrained myself and unwittingly let him go for the grave misconduct he committed. now i promise myself the next time it will happen im not gonna restrain myself from blowing up... i'm gonna kill whoever will do it again, i promise...

if only they have crayons instead of guns...

translation....

so what's up with me?

its been a long time since i last posted an entry on this blog. and i know also that aside from me no else reads this thing. and that's okay. this is like my diary and the nicest thing is that i dont even have to bother hiding it. will anyways...

work has been tidious that i have to bring books by bob ong and jesica zafra to work. i'm just so sick of dealing with irate americans regarding their blocked credit cards. reading helps me through, eating makes me numb out the lonliness and guilt, buying makes me flix my purchasing power, magazines brings me to a high, this blog makes me satisfy my power tripping.

i'm a heck of a wierd person. i have a lot of grime hidden. i sometimes feel seething hate towards myself for all the things i do which i shouldnt but i guess thats normal. and anyway right now im seeking a way out of myself...( am i even making sense?) maybe i'm just slightly burnt out or maybe i'm being the fickle minded kid that i was (and still am?) again.

i have friends who will eventually leave this place and go to some other places they've never seen. i'll eventually see their travels over at friendster...but how about me? *sigh* i dont even want to think about it. i'm scared again. and i just realize also that i'm weak. i've always thought i was strong i realize i'm not. i am weak and was just so good at having the air of someone who's not.

i want to be someone like bob ong or jesica zafra. smart people who make sense. i want to be someone who is worth listening to i guess. i'm just dreaming

all about yiruma

i first came across his music when i added imeem.com in friendster pofile. i choose piano music in lieu of the usual "vocal" music...lucky me i got across his music during that uneventful day. kiss the rain was like a very cold water poured over my numbed soul. it was simply beautiful that i was swiped away from the chaotic cafe i was in and brought into another world away from there. i was hooked. here i am looking for Yiruma albums i can buy offline but then i dont think i'll be able to get my hand on one soon so i think i'll have to make do with (illegaly) downloaded mp3s...

its been a long time since i got curious about a musician i'm listening to. this time its yiruma...i like his music a lot. based on the stuff i heared so far its simply beautiful. its awash with all this emotions flowing into your being when you listen to him. his music is full of hope, beauty, dreams, love, life.... to really know what its like you gotta listen to his music...

my state of mind

my aunt just went through a divorce. she's like a mom to me. i call her mommy. before she got married to an american she took care of me. she was with me more than my working mom did. i think we had a more informal relationship than my mom. right now she's going through a very time situation. only she and God knows what the pain she's going through right now. i mean it hurts for love to fail. for it to let you down when its supposed to get you through. there's nothing painful than you heart getting squezzed inside. when it feels like slowly tearing apart and you you want to cry out loud in pain. i know the pain of having to let go of someone you looked forward to spending your life with. in my case it was a simple case of naive childish love at 19 but for here its already marriage with two kids envolve. i ache for her but i know too she'll survive through the storm...

i remember one time when i was still in elementary i wished i'd never grow up. i thought that i dont want to be an adult. i just want to be a child forever like Peter Pan. i want to be safely nestled in my mothers warmth embrace and stay away from the sad reality of having to grow up. at such a young age i seem to have an idea that being an adult is a tough business. but then again i dont think such wish could be granted so here i am. a reluctant adult. playing grown up. not quite sure of what the mess she's in. i maybe melodramatic or something. sometimes i think of those poets who decided to drown themselves. somehow what they did sometimes makes sense...chosing to live is a tough business.

they said that falling in love is the best thing that could ever happen to you. I guess its only true if you fall for the right person. for me, sadly, it wasnt the case. i fell for the wrong person. i had my heart crushed and my precarious morale broken. it was somehow sweet but fleeting. but then again...i guess thats how it goes in life.

i have friends now with kids of their own. even the person whom i thought i'd want to spend my life with. we were merely kids then. living so careless. as if every day is a day of play. where each day starts with a bath and ends with a scolding for staying out late. now here we are. connected by technology that we get to check on each other at the tap of our fingers. i see them with photos of their kids, of their wives, of their husbands....they've continued on with their roles to continue the web of life.... right now we're at the prime of our lives. it seems like its only a glimpse. i was a kid now im not. things used to be so big and unreachable then. now here i am standing tall and yet feeling overwhelmed by the world. pretending to be at peace with it. trying to act the part i'm handed. i

one time i was a snotty kid now im a grown up. now here i am reluctant to play the role. second guessing every move. playing adult. being a kid in a big person's body. sometimes i'd think that there's been a mistake. but its real. time dectates that i grow old. love. be loved. live. die.

as i was dreaming

melancholy is gnawing
the world it seems is slowly spinning
and here i am
like someone stretched
on top of a groaning black swevil chair
my head falling back
while my head slightly kicking the floor
pushing the chair with my body
the chair rotating steadily
as the wailing song of the piano
plays on
failing to awaken my soul
deep in slumber
in my head
i see storm
rain dripping
thunder bellowing
water spreading over the earth
black clouds stooping in gloom
over it
its not quite night yet
its not daybreak either

here i am spinning images in my head
as notes pour on
casting spells over me
telling me not to sleep
and yet
cradling me in pastural peace
as if im a child again
nestled safely
in someone's comforting bosom

here i am buried in a cold world
trapped in a dream called life
on a spinning top i lay
dreaming of a land far away
a world in fantasy...

who am i?

my quest for th ultimate answer to this question led me to many roads. recently i had this awakening. part of the reason i have a hard time realizing the answer is because i have forgotten to include the one important aspect of my being: I am a Filipino. A true blooded citizen. Born and breed in this country which to me is like one big disfunctional but happy family.

They can say anything against my country...it maybe true but its no reason for me to abandon my identity and wish i'm somewhere else. para sa ako natawo ko dinhi wala ko'y rason para talikdan nako akong pagka Pilipino.

Our country in sad state. Politically its chaotic and in the world's eyes its a soar. i can't blame them if they know nothing about our country aside from its negative sides. We're not like America who can pay the best persons to make their country look good to the point of being heavenly. They can afford to hire even the devil himself to make the best edvertisement straight out of the remnants of "you will be like God" advertising in the garden of Eden for them.

The thing is i'm tired of looking at the youth of my generation swimming in materialism and self-indulgence. Not even thinking about what they can do for their country. As if what matters is getting the latest cellphone model and that serving your country is like what you do when your really old or as a hobby when it should be like eating or breathing!

But the sad reality is it seems that majority of us doesnt want to be a Filipino at all. they'd rather be identified with some other country. i dont know for what reason they'd feel this way. In my experience it was meanly due to being uneducated, being egnorant of my own culture and not giving a thought about my rule in nation building. I thought buying 'made in the Phils" labeled goods and paying taxes were enough but no. Its about our actions, our dreams and our ambitions...we must include our country in our visions too.

i look forward to the day when change will dawn on our nation. I do hope its my generation who will make this possible. How i wish we'd be the vanguard for change in our country. For now i think it will be like a dream but im not losing hope. we may not be a superpower but to see our pride as a nation getting restored in each of us that would be sweet.

the realization on these were awaken nang mabasa ko ang mga libro ni Bob Ong gaya ng Bakit baliktad Magbasa ng Libro ang mga Pilipino at ang Ang Tundo Man May Langit Din ni Andres Cristobal Cruz...My hope is sana you people will take time to read their works and seriously think about your being called a Filipino.

call center and all that crap

i know you're nt suppose to shit where you eat but i'm doing it anyway, coz the thing is im sick and tired of all these shit they're saying that call center is the future. i mean man this is exactly one of the reasons our heroes fought and died for; so that we wont be treated like shit by foriegners anymore. but look at us now....and we dont even have to go abroad to get treated like shit by them. we can get it here in our own country, thanks to these call centers. will...i know i shouldnt be philosophyzing this since today its really all about the money. But im just sick of being screamed at for things i didnt do, eating all those shit american callers tell me about my being from the Philippines. And shit i'm even writing this crap in English!

you might say i should just eat all of it since i'm making money out of it anyway...that's exactly the reason they dont respect us, coz they think we're so poor that we'll take in whatever it is that they throw at our faces...will i have anough of it.

Truth is working in a call center and coming across self-absorbed Americans all the time makes me wanna bomb America sometimes. It makes me wish to see America will sink into oblivion so these damn americans can stop feeling like the world revolves around them, and so they'll stop feeling like they are gods that we aught to worship...actually you dont have to be a Taliban to have reasons to bomb America....

top reasons to bomb america:

burgers
britney spears and her minions
the dominance of whiteness
hiphop
the war in iraq