my state of mind

my aunt just went through a divorce. she's like a mom to me. i call her mommy. before she got married to an american she took care of me. she was with me more than my working mom did. i think we had a more informal relationship than my mom. right now she's going through a very time situation. only she and God knows what the pain she's going through right now. i mean it hurts for love to fail. for it to let you down when its supposed to get you through. there's nothing painful than you heart getting squezzed inside. when it feels like slowly tearing apart and you you want to cry out loud in pain. i know the pain of having to let go of someone you looked forward to spending your life with. in my case it was a simple case of naive childish love at 19 but for here its already marriage with two kids envolve. i ache for her but i know too she'll survive through the storm...

i remember one time when i was still in elementary i wished i'd never grow up. i thought that i dont want to be an adult. i just want to be a child forever like Peter Pan. i want to be safely nestled in my mothers warmth embrace and stay away from the sad reality of having to grow up. at such a young age i seem to have an idea that being an adult is a tough business. but then again i dont think such wish could be granted so here i am. a reluctant adult. playing grown up. not quite sure of what the mess she's in. i maybe melodramatic or something. sometimes i think of those poets who decided to drown themselves. somehow what they did sometimes makes sense...chosing to live is a tough business.

they said that falling in love is the best thing that could ever happen to you. I guess its only true if you fall for the right person. for me, sadly, it wasnt the case. i fell for the wrong person. i had my heart crushed and my precarious morale broken. it was somehow sweet but fleeting. but then again...i guess thats how it goes in life.

i have friends now with kids of their own. even the person whom i thought i'd want to spend my life with. we were merely kids then. living so careless. as if every day is a day of play. where each day starts with a bath and ends with a scolding for staying out late. now here we are. connected by technology that we get to check on each other at the tap of our fingers. i see them with photos of their kids, of their wives, of their husbands....they've continued on with their roles to continue the web of life.... right now we're at the prime of our lives. it seems like its only a glimpse. i was a kid now im not. things used to be so big and unreachable then. now here i am standing tall and yet feeling overwhelmed by the world. pretending to be at peace with it. trying to act the part i'm handed. i

one time i was a snotty kid now im a grown up. now here i am reluctant to play the role. second guessing every move. playing adult. being a kid in a big person's body. sometimes i'd think that there's been a mistake. but its real. time dectates that i grow old. love. be loved. live. die.