the smoke has cleared (somewhat)

later today i had this realization of what i want to do this year. i realized i wanted to taste what it's like to be a real teacher. i want to teach college this year. that's why i'm determined to take Masters. Preferably something that deals with Literature. I'm excited.

that realization hit me while i was browsing the classical literature section of National Bookstore. I figured i want to feel the excitement of discussing the writing that awakens the human side of me. i want to be mentally stimulated again. i want to focus on something that i really love. that is learning something new. i think i'll forever be a student. seeking to learn more as i get on with life. and for me to that the only job that will allow me that luxury is teaching. there' s just no other way.

so i figured that i must start checking on schools that offers something related to Lit. something i can attend this year. i'm really excited. i hope for the best.

it maybe wierd now but i seem to miss school. will at least those subjects i love anyway...

what's on the next bend?

i went to have a urine test yesterday. if i'm pregnant that should confirm it. but i dont think i am. i think i'm just freaking out prematurily but i'm just making sure. the thing is that everytime i think of the possibility of being pregnant right now really makes my gut jump up my throat. anyways... i'll be waiting for the result and i hope for the best and i'll never ever again subject myself to this delimna again. i'll be using condoms...joke... i'm saying no to sex until the right time comes from now on.

anyway...i'm excited about quiting my job because that would mean i'll have the time to start a business probably back home. i wasnt really sold on going back home but i think i have to. my life is spinning out of control in here. the job is killing me. the pay doesnt even matter anymore. i have plans for the next few months...my target date would be march 15...by then its quits for me here... its uncertain what's gonna happen to me without a job but i'm saving up for it. right now i'm carefully planning out my fall back...

advantages of being ugly...

i am not visually pleasing. to put it bluntly i'm ugly. it didnt bother me much since i have a mom who says i'm beautiful. even if i know it is said out of her innate maternal blindness when it comes to this matter i believe her anyway.

highschool is the real training ground for the real world. its where you'll find out that its advantagious for one to be visually pleasing. it gets you to high and far places. but of course as we all know most of these gifted people doesnt have much brains in their heads. take my older brother for example. he is the ultimate crush ng bayan. he is tall, artistahin-looking, even got a band. but what ticks me off is that he was totally brainless back then. he takes more time to groom himself up than to actually tickle his brains to work. anyway good thing for him his learn to use his brains now and buy books during payday.

i once told him if i was born with his face and my brains i'm probably off to some far and high places by now...anyways...

people said most of the ugly ones like are smart because they have nothing else to boast about. like some sort of making up for what we lack. will, not really. the reason we took to filling up our brains is that since we dont spend much time looking at ourselves in the mirror or staying in public places for the purpose of being seen, we opted to reading books and learning stuff by ourselves instead.

sometimes i thank the heavens i'm born ugly. i'd rather be ugly than without brains. but sometimes though i took to not using my brains at all. i can see that in my past entries. anyways this must be one of those days that i feel smart and ugly...

new year new start?

its 2008. so what's up with it? it used to be that i never really thought about new years. of the year past drawing to a close and a new one dawning but now i do. i guess its a sign of aging but i really am seriously considering this. i view 2008 as year to finally grow. meaning being accountable for my actions. admitting that i have control over my actions and its effects. that i have the choice to choose. that i'm now an adult and live with it. that i am on my own now. and that running home to mama is not a choice anymore. i vow this year to be different. if 2007 was a year of missed opportunity, 2008 will be a year of opportunity taking. if 2007 is coated in mistakes, 2008 will be a year of starting over. if 2007 is a year of reluctant adulthood, 2008 will be a year of embracing it. if 2007 is a year of fear, 2008 will be a year of defeating it. this year will be my rebirth. i promise that things will be different for this year. this year will be different like no other years that passed.

is it goodbye?

i may be cruel but i dont think im sticking any longer with my current bf. its just not worth anymore. i mean he is nice and all that but the psychological stress our relationship has caused isnt just worth it anymore. i dont know how i'll view this in the future but i'm regretting it now.

i cant properly express what i'm feeling right now. i need to think of something else.

now what?

everytime i wake up the first word that comes to mind is "RESIGN". its really frustrating because that means everyday i force myself to go to work. in plain words, i'm not happy with work anymore. i just dont look forward it. i dread it like i hated course back in college. probably the only thing that gets me going is the money. i don't feel like being in here is right at all. I'm giving myself three more months and i'm quiting. i need to rewrite the routine. i'm not afraid to start over i'm more afraid of wasting myself away on something that's not doing any good to me. i feel like i'm gonna explode anytime soon.

and right now i'm still freaking out at not having the monthly bleeding. the thing is its always been like this since way back but being sexually active is a different story. its freaking me out right now and makes me wish i never got fucked but its too late now. i just pray right now that my prayer will still be heard and that i'll be givin the chance to start over and learn from my mistakes without wreaking havoc to my already dysfunctional family. man... i'm just afraid right now.

i checked on articles for possible reason why i missed my period aside from possible pregnancy. there's a high reason for me to belive i'm just stressed out but then only a pregnancy test can prove that and ease this uptight feeling. i cant go to any lab right now since they are closed and a home kit wont ease me iether. the thought that it may be giving me a wrong result will still bother me until i'll bleed again.

but what if...no! but what if? truth is i dont know what i'll do...i think i'm gonna die. i'll probably kill myself... God i wish i'm a kid again then i wont have problems like this. so mundane and stupid and yet my whole life and future depends on it...

truth is i just want to scream right now. i want to tell someone what i'm feeling but i cant and i dont have anyone to tell what i'm feeling right now anyway. his of no help. i told him about my worries but somehow it doesnt give me any comfort. i'm just angry right now at myself at everything. i just wish i'm never here.

officially secretly freaking out

i missed my period.

it used to be that i didnt care much if i missed a period. i was a virgine back then. but now its a different story. i'm actively participating in what merriam defensor santiago calls as the favorite indoor sports by Filipinos. Its not really much of a problem if your married too. But then i'm not so...

right now i'm really, really hoping (praying) i'm not because it would be a tragidy for everyone.

i'm just so nervous right now that i can't even get myself to buy a homekit. it would be my first time to do. but its not my first time to freak out like this though... i want to get this over with.

i told my bf i'd commit suicide if bad comes to worst. which i think is the only choice anyway...

Nightmare on Christmas

Location: Ratsky Cebu
Date: 12/25/2007 (2:30 pm)

I and a couple of barkadas went to Ratsky Cebu after our shifts to unwind and to "celebrate" our first Christmas away from our families. We ordered bottomless pizza and paired it with iced tea. It started okay we were laughing and talking while hailing for the waiters to serve us pizza right after we've ate our share. Which sometimes go unnoticed but we understood since we were not in a hurry anyway. But then we noticed that our calls for more pizza went unanswered longer than usual so my friend asked one waiter why it is so. We were told its still being baked so we decided to sip our iced tea and talk some more. Then surprise, surprise the cook came out to serve the it herself. Should we be flattered by the attention? Will if she hadnt lectured us about the promo mechanics (the promo is from 2pm to 6pm only)-which we already knew since it wasnt our first time there and their tarp clearly declared it-and that we wait for the pizza because it takes sometime to get done spoken with a clun bouncers expression on her face as if she wanted to slap the pizza on our faces but then she had the sanity to slap it unto our plates instead. Nakakawalang gana! We wanted to let her know she seriously needed some lesson on customer service but then its Christmas and we want to have fun so we let her go and eat our pizza anyway. Maybe she might have spat on it or cursed us under her breath while making it. Probably explains why we didnt feel good in the stomach afterwards.

I dont see any reason why she should act that way. I mean we werent being mean or acted like some bitchy bunch. Was it wrong to ask for more pizza? Wasn't it supposed to be bottomless? Heck we egnored the fact that the establishment needed major revamp on their decorations, that they need to dust it up and remove the cobwebs from the decoration hanging from the ceilling, or that one of the knives on our table had some traces of rusts on it but we cant egnore the bad customer service. We didnt asked to speak with the manager about it instead we promised never to eat at Ratsky again and informed our friends what happened so that they won't make the mistake of going there too.

maybe, maybe not...(reality bites)

the idea of going home, of calling it quits here have been gnawing into me this past days. i figured i cant take on the world anymore, that its so cruel that the only heaven would be home. i've always thought nothing is more heavenly, nothing more utopian than our house. will...i change my mind...

i just talked with my lil bro earlier and then with my mom and my father...based on their words it seems i gotta think real careful and play my cards right. and it reminded me why im here in the first place. its because i was escaping the suffocating atmosphere at home, because my family is so dysfunctional that i thought the only way i can respect our household again is to leave and wrap it in a dreamlike picture from afar like everything else in life. so that i can hold it dear again and not be ingulfed in anger and hurt at being in a household swarmed by ironies. leaving the house was an escape...i totally forgot about it until my little brothers reminded me.

so if i'm gonna go back to mindanao i have to find a way to be a bit far so i can have the excuse of living in a separate house. its sad but its the truth- our house isnt just heaven anymore. perhaps its the reason why i didnt miss home that much when i came to cebu. because home drove to this direction and i think i should be thankful for it. the way i see it the environment in my home prepared me for the real world. it thought me that in this life nothing can be too perfect for it doesnt help you at all if it is.

actually there are also good things that will come if i go home. i'll be in a familiar sorroundings again. in the company of my adoring brothers. but the financial muscle will be gone. i'll be back to being a "palamunin" again which i cant imagine right now. but the thing is that now i'm not so sure about going back permanently. this only proves that i'm not a girl (kid) anymore. *sigh*

sometimes i wish i'm back to those times when home felt like a safe enclave against the cruel world, where, even if you get spanked at times, you still feel there's no place like it in the world and that you'll trade it for nothing. but parents age, familiarity breeds contempt and life dectates that you move away and start a web of life of your own like those before you and those after you. life's like that: a cycle. i'm still a little girl wondering in a world teeming with the unexpected but i'm determined to carve my own world. i know i can.

virtual sexual harassment

one time while i was web surfing i noticed that the guy next to me aimed his webcam at me...i egnored it thinking it must be of. but then i got this uncomfortable feeling, it just doesnt feel right. when i glanced at his screen thats when i realize it. the fucking pervert is adjusting his camera to focus on my chest. and the worst part is that he is chatting with someone, cybersexing it think...i banged the keyboard and told him to watch what his doing or im gonna bust his face. i was shaking all over. i was cracking my knuckles, i just want to bust his face but i was restraining myself, i told myself i cant just blow up. i cant afford to be scandalous in there. I called my boyfriend and told him to get me when he gets home from work. i was very angry. i was just about to blow up.

but the guy left soon after. i'm just sorry i didnt get to remember his face. i should've punched him in the face right then and there but its only now that i realize the missed opportunity. i should've taught him a lesson he wouldnt forget. too bad though i restrained myself and unwittingly let him go for the grave misconduct he committed. now i promise myself the next time it will happen im not gonna restrain myself from blowing up... i'm gonna kill whoever will do it again, i promise...

if only they have crayons instead of guns...

translation....

so what's up with me?

its been a long time since i last posted an entry on this blog. and i know also that aside from me no else reads this thing. and that's okay. this is like my diary and the nicest thing is that i dont even have to bother hiding it. will anyways...

work has been tidious that i have to bring books by bob ong and jesica zafra to work. i'm just so sick of dealing with irate americans regarding their blocked credit cards. reading helps me through, eating makes me numb out the lonliness and guilt, buying makes me flix my purchasing power, magazines brings me to a high, this blog makes me satisfy my power tripping.

i'm a heck of a wierd person. i have a lot of grime hidden. i sometimes feel seething hate towards myself for all the things i do which i shouldnt but i guess thats normal. and anyway right now im seeking a way out of myself...( am i even making sense?) maybe i'm just slightly burnt out or maybe i'm being the fickle minded kid that i was (and still am?) again.

i have friends who will eventually leave this place and go to some other places they've never seen. i'll eventually see their travels over at friendster...but how about me? *sigh* i dont even want to think about it. i'm scared again. and i just realize also that i'm weak. i've always thought i was strong i realize i'm not. i am weak and was just so good at having the air of someone who's not.

i want to be someone like bob ong or jesica zafra. smart people who make sense. i want to be someone who is worth listening to i guess. i'm just dreaming

all about yiruma

i first came across his music when i added imeem.com in friendster pofile. i choose piano music in lieu of the usual "vocal" music...lucky me i got across his music during that uneventful day. kiss the rain was like a very cold water poured over my numbed soul. it was simply beautiful that i was swiped away from the chaotic cafe i was in and brought into another world away from there. i was hooked. here i am looking for Yiruma albums i can buy offline but then i dont think i'll be able to get my hand on one soon so i think i'll have to make do with (illegaly) downloaded mp3s...

its been a long time since i got curious about a musician i'm listening to. this time its yiruma...i like his music a lot. based on the stuff i heared so far its simply beautiful. its awash with all this emotions flowing into your being when you listen to him. his music is full of hope, beauty, dreams, love, life.... to really know what its like you gotta listen to his music...