if only they have crayons instead of guns...

translation....

so what's up with me?

its been a long time since i last posted an entry on this blog. and i know also that aside from me no else reads this thing. and that's okay. this is like my diary and the nicest thing is that i dont even have to bother hiding it. will anyways...

work has been tidious that i have to bring books by bob ong and jesica zafra to work. i'm just so sick of dealing with irate americans regarding their blocked credit cards. reading helps me through, eating makes me numb out the lonliness and guilt, buying makes me flix my purchasing power, magazines brings me to a high, this blog makes me satisfy my power tripping.

i'm a heck of a wierd person. i have a lot of grime hidden. i sometimes feel seething hate towards myself for all the things i do which i shouldnt but i guess thats normal. and anyway right now im seeking a way out of myself...( am i even making sense?) maybe i'm just slightly burnt out or maybe i'm being the fickle minded kid that i was (and still am?) again.

i have friends who will eventually leave this place and go to some other places they've never seen. i'll eventually see their travels over at friendster...but how about me? *sigh* i dont even want to think about it. i'm scared again. and i just realize also that i'm weak. i've always thought i was strong i realize i'm not. i am weak and was just so good at having the air of someone who's not.

i want to be someone like bob ong or jesica zafra. smart people who make sense. i want to be someone who is worth listening to i guess. i'm just dreaming

all about yiruma

i first came across his music when i added imeem.com in friendster pofile. i choose piano music in lieu of the usual "vocal" music...lucky me i got across his music during that uneventful day. kiss the rain was like a very cold water poured over my numbed soul. it was simply beautiful that i was swiped away from the chaotic cafe i was in and brought into another world away from there. i was hooked. here i am looking for Yiruma albums i can buy offline but then i dont think i'll be able to get my hand on one soon so i think i'll have to make do with (illegaly) downloaded mp3s...

its been a long time since i got curious about a musician i'm listening to. this time its yiruma...i like his music a lot. based on the stuff i heared so far its simply beautiful. its awash with all this emotions flowing into your being when you listen to him. his music is full of hope, beauty, dreams, love, life.... to really know what its like you gotta listen to his music...

my state of mind

my aunt just went through a divorce. she's like a mom to me. i call her mommy. before she got married to an american she took care of me. she was with me more than my working mom did. i think we had a more informal relationship than my mom. right now she's going through a very time situation. only she and God knows what the pain she's going through right now. i mean it hurts for love to fail. for it to let you down when its supposed to get you through. there's nothing painful than you heart getting squezzed inside. when it feels like slowly tearing apart and you you want to cry out loud in pain. i know the pain of having to let go of someone you looked forward to spending your life with. in my case it was a simple case of naive childish love at 19 but for here its already marriage with two kids envolve. i ache for her but i know too she'll survive through the storm...

i remember one time when i was still in elementary i wished i'd never grow up. i thought that i dont want to be an adult. i just want to be a child forever like Peter Pan. i want to be safely nestled in my mothers warmth embrace and stay away from the sad reality of having to grow up. at such a young age i seem to have an idea that being an adult is a tough business. but then again i dont think such wish could be granted so here i am. a reluctant adult. playing grown up. not quite sure of what the mess she's in. i maybe melodramatic or something. sometimes i think of those poets who decided to drown themselves. somehow what they did sometimes makes sense...chosing to live is a tough business.

they said that falling in love is the best thing that could ever happen to you. I guess its only true if you fall for the right person. for me, sadly, it wasnt the case. i fell for the wrong person. i had my heart crushed and my precarious morale broken. it was somehow sweet but fleeting. but then again...i guess thats how it goes in life.

i have friends now with kids of their own. even the person whom i thought i'd want to spend my life with. we were merely kids then. living so careless. as if every day is a day of play. where each day starts with a bath and ends with a scolding for staying out late. now here we are. connected by technology that we get to check on each other at the tap of our fingers. i see them with photos of their kids, of their wives, of their husbands....they've continued on with their roles to continue the web of life.... right now we're at the prime of our lives. it seems like its only a glimpse. i was a kid now im not. things used to be so big and unreachable then. now here i am standing tall and yet feeling overwhelmed by the world. pretending to be at peace with it. trying to act the part i'm handed. i

one time i was a snotty kid now im a grown up. now here i am reluctant to play the role. second guessing every move. playing adult. being a kid in a big person's body. sometimes i'd think that there's been a mistake. but its real. time dectates that i grow old. love. be loved. live. die.

as i was dreaming

melancholy is gnawing
the world it seems is slowly spinning
and here i am
like someone stretched
on top of a groaning black swevil chair
my head falling back
while my head slightly kicking the floor
pushing the chair with my body
the chair rotating steadily
as the wailing song of the piano
plays on
failing to awaken my soul
deep in slumber
in my head
i see storm
rain dripping
thunder bellowing
water spreading over the earth
black clouds stooping in gloom
over it
its not quite night yet
its not daybreak either

here i am spinning images in my head
as notes pour on
casting spells over me
telling me not to sleep
and yet
cradling me in pastural peace
as if im a child again
nestled safely
in someone's comforting bosom

here i am buried in a cold world
trapped in a dream called life
on a spinning top i lay
dreaming of a land far away
a world in fantasy...

who am i?

my quest for th ultimate answer to this question led me to many roads. recently i had this awakening. part of the reason i have a hard time realizing the answer is because i have forgotten to include the one important aspect of my being: I am a Filipino. A true blooded citizen. Born and breed in this country which to me is like one big disfunctional but happy family.

They can say anything against my country...it maybe true but its no reason for me to abandon my identity and wish i'm somewhere else. para sa ako natawo ko dinhi wala ko'y rason para talikdan nako akong pagka Pilipino.

Our country in sad state. Politically its chaotic and in the world's eyes its a soar. i can't blame them if they know nothing about our country aside from its negative sides. We're not like America who can pay the best persons to make their country look good to the point of being heavenly. They can afford to hire even the devil himself to make the best edvertisement straight out of the remnants of "you will be like God" advertising in the garden of Eden for them.

The thing is i'm tired of looking at the youth of my generation swimming in materialism and self-indulgence. Not even thinking about what they can do for their country. As if what matters is getting the latest cellphone model and that serving your country is like what you do when your really old or as a hobby when it should be like eating or breathing!

But the sad reality is it seems that majority of us doesnt want to be a Filipino at all. they'd rather be identified with some other country. i dont know for what reason they'd feel this way. In my experience it was meanly due to being uneducated, being egnorant of my own culture and not giving a thought about my rule in nation building. I thought buying 'made in the Phils" labeled goods and paying taxes were enough but no. Its about our actions, our dreams and our ambitions...we must include our country in our visions too.

i look forward to the day when change will dawn on our nation. I do hope its my generation who will make this possible. How i wish we'd be the vanguard for change in our country. For now i think it will be like a dream but im not losing hope. we may not be a superpower but to see our pride as a nation getting restored in each of us that would be sweet.

the realization on these were awaken nang mabasa ko ang mga libro ni Bob Ong gaya ng Bakit baliktad Magbasa ng Libro ang mga Pilipino at ang Ang Tundo Man May Langit Din ni Andres Cristobal Cruz...My hope is sana you people will take time to read their works and seriously think about your being called a Filipino.

call center and all that crap

i know you're nt suppose to shit where you eat but i'm doing it anyway, coz the thing is im sick and tired of all these shit they're saying that call center is the future. i mean man this is exactly one of the reasons our heroes fought and died for; so that we wont be treated like shit by foriegners anymore. but look at us now....and we dont even have to go abroad to get treated like shit by them. we can get it here in our own country, thanks to these call centers. will...i know i shouldnt be philosophyzing this since today its really all about the money. But im just sick of being screamed at for things i didnt do, eating all those shit american callers tell me about my being from the Philippines. And shit i'm even writing this crap in English!

you might say i should just eat all of it since i'm making money out of it anyway...that's exactly the reason they dont respect us, coz they think we're so poor that we'll take in whatever it is that they throw at our faces...will i have anough of it.

Truth is working in a call center and coming across self-absorbed Americans all the time makes me wanna bomb America sometimes. It makes me wish to see America will sink into oblivion so these damn americans can stop feeling like the world revolves around them, and so they'll stop feeling like they are gods that we aught to worship...actually you dont have to be a Taliban to have reasons to bomb America....

top reasons to bomb america:

burgers
britney spears and her minions
the dominance of whiteness
hiphop
the war in iraq

me and the music

i'm a music lover..to me music is like food or sleep: it sustains me. It keeps me alive. Without music and shrivel up and die. Eversince, music has been with me. Through the gloomiest, darkest,happiest,highest moments of my life she's there. Music speaks to me like no other. She runs into my blood like drugs...i can go on and on about music because i cant get enough of it.



i'm into rock, jazz...any genre that has depth... basically i go beyond what the radio is playing... i constantly search for anything that speaks to me.



like right now i'm listening to New Radicals' Someday We'll Know, it reminds me so much of my tumultous years back in high school. This song by the way is the first song which pushed me to buy my first album ever. So if someone will ask me what was the first album i bought it would be Maybe You'd Been Brainwashed Too by the New radicals...too bad though they folded before you can finish saying the album's name. Gregg Alixander was a genius.. his songs were my jutes man. His songs still hits me and makes me look back wistfully at those years when i was battling demons and dragons inside me. Back then what i had were books and the music...i survived.



and the thing is Music will stick with you no matter what so crank up the volume baby...

incubus and my lifesongs

Dig is gonna be a song for my wedding...dont have to elaborate on it coz it plainly says it all


Dig

We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easy to identify.
Look me in the eye, and ask for forgiveness.
We'll make a pact to never speak that word again.
Yes, you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us, at least we dig each other.

So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.

If I turn into another dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me.
Sing this song remind me that we'll always have each other when everything else is gone.

We all have a sickness that cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us, at least we dig each other.

So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another,dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other when everything else is gone.
Oh, each other when everything else is gone.

ooooh....(15x)

If I turn into another dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me.
Sing this song remind me that we'll always have each other when everything else is gone.

Oh, each other when everything else is gone. (x2)

what is rock to me?

i read this article in philippine star about nu 107, this bunch of people were asked to define what rock is...to me rock is something that was with me when i was alone and confused, he was there when i was feeling like i was on top of the world and he was there when i was bloodied and scratched and i guess he'll forever be with me through it all like he always did...that's why i dont blame anyone of he'll say rock save him...i know...

time to plot a new gameplan

I've made a decision. And that is to quit my job by march next year. Work isnt as fun as it used to be anymore. It just doesnt feel like its worth all the trouble. I mean i know i should be thankful and everything for having this job. I work in a call center. The environment is fun, the pay is good but i'm just tired of being degenirated by stupid American, Indians, Latinos and the rest of them. I know i'm paid to be nice but I dont think I have to be stuck in it. I know exactly why Indians are now refusing call center jobs in India. I dont think i can stand another year listening and pretending to be emphatizing with people who doesnt even want to listen to me. I'm just sick of working for selfish reasons. Now the saying about money being not everything is really true.

I really think my life needs a major rehauling. I need a change of scene and a new direction. This means going back home and scratching a new gameplan. Right now i', just excited with the new things i'm gonna face again. I know it will be tough starting over but i'm ready for it. I'm excited to just go with the flow and explore everything.

Bring it on!

exs and google

i didnt have anything better to do so what did i do? i searched for my ex bfs in google. i used there full names to search for them and lo and behold! wow google really IS powerful!

so what did i find?

fling # 1 passed the nursing board exam and has five friendster accounts. and i know why... in one of his account he proudly shows the face of his girlfriend. i just know exactly where he brings her everytime. ive been there. i saw his face too. it reminds me how fucked up i was back then.

fling # 2's gf just had a baby. i remember his been wanting to have a baby which scared me to death. i knew then i had to be wary. So when he brought me to motel on the pretense of sending me to sleep i backed away. whew! close call. anyway i saw him once with his gf. she's a price to him im sure. i just hope he's learn to take responsibilities now unlike before. i hope he's stop acting like an asshole and learned to be a real man. i just hope he'll answer to the girl and their kid. it's a girl by the way. name's zachari. nice name. i think he mentioned it to me before.

funny thing is that when we where together the thought of him being with another girl would make me cry. when we parted ways i cried and thought how stupid i was to believe him and regretted crossing paths with him. now im crying in happiness, if he didnt let me go where would i be? so where ever you are dude just wanna say: THANK YOU FOR DUMPING ME!!!